i’ve told you before how difficult it is to be a parent. and one of the most hard tasks is to educate your precious little thing.
you want them to follow your rules without question, because it makes your life so much easier. and you wish them to question everything and be creative.
there are many many methods, and sometimes none seem to work.
so, what to do?
A. should we spank?
B. yell?
C. punish?
D. talk?
E. show how it’s done?
F. all of the above?
G. none of the above?
H. run away and never come back?
ok, not h.
but i’ve certainly was on f. a lot of times, and it wasn’t pretty.
my answer is (almost) always love.
almost, because i’m not perfect.
as a kid, i was subjected to yelling, to punishment, and to spanking. and none of it really helped on making myself a better person.
what i learned instead was to be quiet. to talk the least possible, to do stuff alone and to always keep my thoughts and emotions to myself.
i grew with resentment, anger and a low self-esteem.
i don’t want that to my kid.
i want him to express himself freely. that he knows there’s nothing wrong with him. and that’s natural to make mistakes. that they exist to teach us something.
i want him to know that i love him unconditionally. no matter the person he is, no matter what he does: i’m there to support him, and to show him there are a hundred ways to do stuff.
what i’m learning, day by day, mistake by mistake. is that everything he does, is rooted in everything us parents do. he learns by imitation.
so i really need to look at myself and ask how i am dealing with my emotions. how am i expressing them? what are my actions teaching him?
do i become frustrated when something doesn’t go as planned? do i yell and frown my face? do i feel lost and overwhelmed?
most of the times, the answer is yes.
and if the answer is yes, i need to change my behavior. i need to be more mindful, i need to be more calm. i need to show more love towards myself.
like my kid does show me his love every time he sees i’m upset, or when he did something i consider wrong.
he looks at me, and hugs me very tightly, and kisses me. and kisses me. and kisses me.
he wants to know that i love him.
and do you know what i do?
i hug him back. very tightly. and kiss him. and kiss him. and kiss him.
and then i tell him that i love him, but that i need him to not climb to the table because he can fall and get hurt. or that he can’t be watching youtube all the time, because there are a lot of more fun things to do. or that he needs to get out of his pool, because it’s late and cold and he can get sick.
i was just watching a video about perceived energies. and the talker, alexandra solnado, said something that rang a bell:
our kids are energetic mirrors of ourselves.
they pick our energy and reflect it right back at us.
so no matter how much you yell, how much you spank, how much time you ground them.
they will give you back that same energy in bigger proportions. until something explodes.
and you become calm. and he becomes calm. because you did.
but, as i’ve told you: i’m not perfect.
i forget to breathe and stay calm. i forget to breathe, to understand he’s little and testing his limits and exploring life. i forget to breath and put a smile and help him find a healthier way to get what he needs.
and i yell when i’m angry and tired. and i spank him when i feel lost and don’t know what to do.
only for the next second to be apologizing. and telling myself: you know better, learn with this. don’t damage your kid, he deserves more than this. you deserve more than this.
because, going on the violence cycle also affect us. not only our kids.
violence never brings anything good. not even discipline and respect.
but fear? oh, yes.
and how does violence affects me as a parent?
i become a more negative person, i feel guilty, and my self-esteem goes down with it. there comes feelings of not good enough, of incompetence, of unworthiness of having a child to take care of.
we need so much love on this world.
no matter how harsh the environment, everything in nature blossoms with love despite the circumstances.
no matter how inhospitable the surroundings, if it’s taken care of, it will grow.
and it all starts at our hearts. at our homes.
love can bring the best in us. and yes, love means saying no. love means putting limits. and love means explaining those same limits and no’s.
but love doesn’t mean making our children feel inferior. or like there’s something wrong with them. or that they don’t deserve our care. or that they aren’t smart enough or important enough to understand the why’s behind our orders.
it’s important to respect them, to make them feel included on our decisions. to find a balance.
i always follow a rule better if i know its purpose. i’m sure my kid acts in the same way.
“do it because i say so” is foolish. everyone has its own wills, they will never do anything you want just because you say so. they need a reason.
and don’t tell me kids have no wants, they do. and they are as important as your own.
we can be soft and kind, yet firm. we can be vulnerable, without being powerless. we can give away, without surrender. we can reach a balance.
i’ve read somewhere that we gain power when we give power to others.
instead of threatening our kids, we should try to give them the power of decisions. and what comes with it: the consequences and responsibilities. those are punishment and reward enough.
i am sure they do the best they can with the tools they have.
and maybe, just maybe the problem isn’t on their disinterest on learning how to please us, but on the tools we give them.
i want to listen to my kid, to hear above what he tells me. to see beyond his actions. and understand what he truly needs. and why he acts in certain ways.
is he seeking for attention? if yes, am i not being totally immersed in the moment when i am with him?
is he testing limits? seeing what he’s able to do? trying the world? exploring my yes’ and no’s?
is he looking for stimulation? does he need better toys? more suitable activities?
am i talking enough with him? do i tell him about my emotions and my thoughts? and how does my world looks like?
do i show i trust him? that i believe in his competence? do i let him do things by himself? do i give him the space, time and opportunity to accomplish new goals without help?
{note: marshal rosenberg says that every time we act violently, there’s an inherent need behind. usually a need for love. watch his non-violent communication course to learn how to communicate in a kind way, and to listen instead of just hearing. more on that on a future post}
we, as parents need to trust our hearts. even if changes are slow slow sloooooow. even if it seems there’s no change at all.
raising a child isn’t easy. it won’t be perfect. and there’s a lot of mess around.
but kids do learn, and they will be much better prepared with love in their hearts than with resentment.
that will make them happy, healthy, confident adults. ready to embrace the world, with magic loving wands.
what are your experiences as a parent? how do you raise your kids? what do you do when you’re tired and angry? what have you learned so far?
share everything in the comments, let’s help a parent out!
#themaskwriter 