you are not your gender

once, i told a friend that i didn’t see my boyfriend as a man. she was kind of shocked and told me that she did see hers as a guy, definitively.

when i say that i don’t see my boyfriend as a boy, i mean that when i look at him i see a human, a person. someone with a soul that i want to connect with. when i look at people, i don’t really care about their gender. i don’t attribute their thoughts and feelings and actions as being masculine or feminine. {actually, i don’t put them into boxes: either religious, political, geographical, or other}

and i think that’s the problem of many anti-feminist people. or judgmental people in general.

and we loose a big part of ourselves by trying to fit the gender it was attributed to us. either female or male.

but this vision or gender is incomplete. it isn’t binary. it’s so diverse and complex and fluid that you can’t really put it into a box.

but, as i was saying: behaving inside a gender role is inhibitive, and may suppress some of our features. we can’t really be ourselves.

some man don’t share their feelings because that is considered feminine. they don’t want to loose their masculinity or be considered gay.

and some women act in a girly way {whatever that is}, because they don’t want to be seen as not feminine. that affects their confidence and ability of being sensual. believe me, i know.

being a woman or a man is enough to be a women or a man. no, let me put this in other way.

being you is enough.

you don’t need to choose if you are this or that. you can be both, or none. or something else.

i know that labels helps us to communicate, and to understand ourselves and to find our own tribe. but use them carefully. use them when it serves you, ditch it when it doesn’t.

as a woman {a tom-boy woman, if i am a bit more specific}, i don’t need to be hysterical. or to cry at every romantic movie. or even like romantic comedies. i don’t need to wear dresses, and make-up, and earrings or any other accessory. i don’t need to use high heels, or have a sweet voice, or to be a house-wife or to be a mother. i don’t need to blink my eyes several times or curl my hair on my finger. i don’t need to even have breasts or a vagina. among many other stereotypes.

in many ways, i correspond to the stereotype. but in many others, i don’t.

also to be a man you don’t need to have a strong voice and be depleted of feelings. you don’t need to be rude and violent. you don’t need to only like sports, and cars, and women. you don’t need to have a penis.

{i don’t talk here about other genders because i’m not familiar with them, but it’s a subject i’m interested in knowing more about!}

so, this makes me question: what does it mean to be a woman? and what does it mean to be a man?

what makes me a woman?

Being a woman is more than biology, and maybe it even goes beyond critically looking at gender as a social construct. Of course, there are a plethora of women (and men) who challenge me on this, and that’s fine, they’re entitled. But in my construction of reality, I choose to hold on to womanhood as sometimes similar but sometimes different from manhood. But with so many different representations of womanhood, who gets to decide what constitutes womanhood and what it means to be a woman? I think one of the unfortunate traits of human nature is that we feel a need to categorize people and this is evident in how we categorize women. We limit them and we say that she is, “that kind of woman,” and that kind of woman is categorized as one who is traditional or modern or a feminist or not a feminist or liberal or conservative or a virgin or a whore. The list goes on.

~ kovie biakolo via thought catalog

that is a very hard question because any of the characteristics that i may present can’t stand by themselves. it’s a set of features, that work together. and not every woman and man has the same set of features. we may have extra ones, and miss others.

i do believe that both man and woman have a feminine and a masculine side. there are feminine women and masculine men, as well masculine women and feminine men.

going back to: i think that the problem with anti-feminists is attributing only feminine features to women and only masculine features to men.

for example, i don’t have a feminine walk. i don’t shake my butt or put carefully one foot after the other. actually, i’m quite clumsy and i stumble a lot. my walk does not appear as confident and sexy. and it is also not powerful {power is always attributed to men, as if women can’t be it too!}. it’s just me, walking. #themaskwriter-style. (;

let’s see in what aspects can i be considered masculine. this is a hard exercise, but i invite you to do the same: i’m sure you’ll learn a lot about yourself and how you behave. and how that is attached to social constructs more that who you are at your core.

i do curse, sometimes. i think a lot about sex. and i don’t mind to burp  {as quietly as possible} in front of other people {i do always excuse myself after it, though}. i know it’s gross, but it’s also natural!

and my feminine side… well, i do like to dance and move my hips. i do curl my hair on my fingers. and i’m highly-sensitive.

it’s much more easier to tell you who i am, than to answer why am i a woman. even if i don’t know everything about me.

anyway, that question: what is a woman? or what is a man? is the wrong question.

the right question is: who are you and are you happy?

i rather tell you about my passions and my dreams and my fears. that is what makes me a human. woman or man, or whatever, who cares? i have someone who loves me and that i love back, that’s what matters to me and…

as i always say: as long as you’re being kind, the rest doesn’t matter.

what kind of human are you? i’d love to know you better! tell me one thing about you in the comments or send me a detailed email! 💜

gif of a woman and a man

«-,- { keep writing, } -‘-»

vector of a venetian mask



if you liked this post, explore my thoughts on being a parent {and what they don’t tell you about it!}.


p.s. did you know that for a long time it was hard for me to consider myself a girl? because my favourite games were climbing trees and getting dirt!


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